The thing with being alone for long periods of time is you have a lot of down time to assess yourself and your emotions (always sad), your goals (idk anymore), whether or not expensive make-up is really worth it (not really), deep traumatic experiences you may have repressed (lying on a bed with your first love knowing he's cheating on you but the cuddling was just too good), what your actual favorite snacks are (those tiny tamarind things that sort of looks like goat shit) and things you just want to unlearn to be a better person (I recently realized I'm a bit of a classist - i'm working on it).

I was 19 when I had Chicken Pox. I was devastated and went against doctor’s orders to limit my antihistamine intake to 3 throughout the whole thing; I had one pill after every meal... And snack. Ricocheting between sleeping and watching all SATC episodes groggily, I was on the hunt for this specific episode where Carrie talks about how she finds herself posing for Mr. Big. She talks about all these exhausting things she does just to please him and be perfect – this concept was so foreign to me. I guess you could blame it on good parenting where both my mom and dad would praise me for my mediocrity. I grew up thinking I was the bomb even if all other signs show otherwise.

During this time, my experiences with men were limited to my first love when I was 16, 3 random dudes I made out with while drunk and this white boy who was more like a successful conquest more than anything else (it has taken me more than 5 years to reduce it to that but feel free to look at posts from 2011-2016 to be as confused as I was). All of these came to fruition by just being my usual neurotic self – granted I have really great hair, perfect teeth and a decent ass. I was never really a fan of playing these dating games, I just thought other aspects in my life deserved more of my effort and energy. I thought my neurosis was cute, the fact that I was a little detached but have oversharing tendencies were quirky but these proved to be wrong as I got older and interacted with more men.

A few days after I turned 25 I somehow ended up on (in hindsight) a date. The most vivid memory from that night was me was sitting across him at a bar and I started spilling my guts about how it was weird growing up and realizing your parents aren’t the superheroes you believed them to be when you were much younger. “How so?” he said staring at me sipping on his drink while tilting his head to the right. I felt myself slowly disintegrate. In my head “Quick, say something shallow or vague or witty or funny – anything but the truth because the truth is just obviously too much! Flip your hair, smile, touch his arm. You will not fucking lose this chess game!” Looking back, this was also the turning point that night when I just preferred to distance myself and talk about more trivial things like travelling, our careers, stupid jokes, favorite movies, etc. Because God forbid, I present myself as an actual human with problems and worries.

I remember a conversation I had with a close friend regarding her best friend being scared to date and meet new people because small talk is exhausting and you’d rather just skip to the dirty, raw, pungent parts of the other person. The more new people I meet and talk to, the more I resonate with that statement. This is proving to be problematic as Modern Dating has different rules now (I’ve been briefed by my best friend at a Mexican Restaurant after the guy above ghosted me lol) and people are afraid of real intimacy and cultivating substantial relationships.

The Successful Conquest would rather touch my vagina than hold my hand. This other guy proposed a trip to Palawan but couldn’t even keep a conversation going without digressing and wanting to play thumb war or saying “I wouldn’t worry about it”. I don’t necessarily hold it against them, I’ve done my share of really shitty things to people I’ve liked for my own very personal fucked up, unjustifiable reasons (all about me though and nothing to do with the actual person). I’ve definitely downplayed it when men have made advances on me - even when they were welcome and provoked and I was totally into it. Let’s just look back at last November when I agreed to hang out with someone but literally left him after having dinner and just preferred to walk to the Sydney Opera House on my own and get ice cream (these were all HIS idea, btw) or that time I told The Successful Conquest I would come over only for him to buy a 6-pack and a box of pizza while I spent the rest of the night and the wee hours of the morning in a bowling alley with friends (yikes!), I don’t even know 2 of those 3 random men I kissed because.. Surprise! I didn’t ask nor did I care (double yikes!).

And this is the part where I get confused – how do I take myself out of this cycle? Is a boy supposed to just come and sweep me off my feet and make me not doubt every move and not make me want to “pose”, let me just remind you: Carrie ended up with Mr. Big! Or is this another one of those things that solidifies that I am not ready for a relationship and have a lot of soul searching and self-acceptance to do?

Guys, this whole single brown empowered female thing is getting annoying I just want a back rub.