another one where i contradict myself
12:09 AM
Being a little bit older (and wiser. lol.), you start running out of excuses to be stupid. I just realized I have spent most of my money and weekends this year getting wasted and making myself fit in several bodysuits, lingerie and tight jeans so i could i could end up at a kebab restaurant or mcdonalds at 4am before hopping onto a grab alone and feel the loneliest i've ever felt in that work week. scientifically, alcohol is a drug and weaning yourself off of any drug can be a bit tricky. emotionally, im just detached and so depleted and uninspired. physically, i feel like im my 14 year old self having to force myself to eat and maybe not eat then binging then not eating for 24 hours - but let's keep that secret, shall we? im old enough to calculate that i like to be in full control of my eating habits (or the noises my stomach makes) when i feel zero control over my personal life and future.
i agreed to baguio next year. i also signed myself up to a hospitality summit on February (i was invited as a fucking VIP, this might just be a marketing stunt for organizers - but i am living for it. when i was 19 and sitting on my revenue management class, my professor talked about a similar summit that went on in hk and how it would be a great opportunity to learn and network and now ya girl gets quick passes to wofex and vip invites to summits). i've been constantly living in anxiety and fear of not being deserving of everything handed to me and little perks and reminders like that make things a little better even just for a bit.
im scared it will all come crashing down. my mental health, my grit, people's trust in/perception of me and my work ethic, my ability to fast 16 -20 hours every day - just the notion of being "found out".
i talked to john a week ago after 2 months of him ghosting me. i told him about japan (cause he was going) and we talked about siargao (cause we wanted to go) and i asked about sydney (cause he wanted to move). i woke up the morning after feeling just a little pathetic for the both of us because we found connection or comfort in each other in the least likely of places. i overthink too much, that's the problem. instead of letting things unfold - i tear it apart, snuff it out. I reduce it to whatever psychological analysis i could pull out of my ass. what i did so i would stop talking to him was to stare at his ugliest photo online and find all his imperfections so i would no longer be attracted to him - will let you know how long this shit will last.
im having difficulty in trying to cope with the fact that there is no black and white, nor are there gray areas when it comes down to attraction or whoever feels like "coming home".
a friend sent me a photo of her sandwich and told me she misses me and a part of me wishes somebody else sent it. (not john). i booked for vietnam during the first few days of november and i cant wait. (i want john to come).
im scared i dont let myself be stupid enough.
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