(written on August 2017)

I've been racking my brain for ways to approach and put into words where my head is currently at. Since I have put myself in an entirely different environment for the past few months, certain parts of my core are becoming more and more apparent which almost feels like a second hit of puberty, but only affecting my mental state and emotions (physically, I still look like I'm 17).

The past few weeks have certainly taken a toll on my head space and mental health as I've spent hours and most part of my days just devoting myself to be a bucket for everyone else's emotions and problems. 2016 was such a glorious year for my mental state as I have learned to be more selective of people and things to spend time on, but we're slowly and painfully taking a huge loss this year. Along with accepting such a challenging job, I moved to a different town and developed a certain perspective where I was hungry to experience everything all at once (quite paradoxical if we really look into it since I moved somewhere more quiet and serene). The thing with being as open and free to everyone and everything is that not all things and people that come your way make you feel good about yourself.




Being the person that I've trained myself to be, I've always just aimed to find a resolution for all things - "I hate feeling helpless. I was not raised to feel and wallow in helplessness". Now, this has been great as I've noticed this has been my saving grace in my current career, but sometimes building charts and cosigning forms and implementing rules and structures aren't as easy and effective in your personal life. I am not able to develop a schedule to make myself feel better and more alive. There is not a flowchart that will help me improve my relationships. I cant network myself out of loneliness when what I'm craving for are emotionally substantial relationships.



A few weeks ago, a close friend called me out on my irrational fear of opening up and taking chances on people. This was closely followed by spending 42 hours with another close friend who made me realize how self-sabotage and pessimism is always looming over all romantic possibilities that come my way. All of these weren't news to me. One of them mentioned that maybe the reason for me being closed off is that I prefer to be a sponge for everyone's emotions and losses in life - in turn, I just live vicariously through their pain and euphoria making it hard for me to personally seek out and take chances in relationships. "You're jaded by our stories and not by your own experiences".

I don't think I'm resentful for all the relationships I've invested in wherein people were taking more than they were giving - meaning, some of my closest friends have been leaning on me and I haven't been doing much leaning on them. I am slowly coming to terms to the fact that "the broken cant fix the broken". I have also been slowly (but very intensely) opening up to the fact that I have issues and personal relationships I still need to sort out and improve to be a lot more comfortable with who I am.



This whole ordeal put me in such an extremely weird and isolated state wherein I was just continuously pushing everyone away as I wanted more time to fully process new strings of thoughts and perspectives I've gained. This was all new to me as I have (in the past years) built a facade and extra layer of skin full of aggressive positivity and just utter perfection to show the world.

As I slowly tick away boxes on my list of things to accomplish in this lifetime point by point, all in perfect timing (I've been immensely grateful for all the blessings and how easy my life has been), I am punched in the gut with the realization that I still need a lot of fixing. It's not anyone else, there is no other defining factor for my loneliness and sadness but myself - honestly, how does one even deal with that?