Be Reckless With Your Heart: A List of Every Man that Has Touched Me
2:21 PM
1. He was sitting next to me in a movie theatre. I was holding a tumbler of barbecue flavoured popcorn, staring at the blank screen careful not to shift my gaze to the left side. I didn't feel him looking at me, there was something more to that.. i felt the way he was looking at me, smiling at me. Like he couldn't believe i was right next to him. It made me feel insecure. When the movie was over we walked to the nearest Mcdonald's where he made fun of my choice of junk food and i thought about how good looking he is but i somehow can't get myself to like him. I stopped talking to him a week before his birthday because it just didn't feel right. He looked at me with so much intensity, and i could never give that back to him. We saw each other a year after the whole debacle, i said hi and he looked the other way.
2. He turned the lights off then asked if he could kiss me, i didn't say anything. I just went for it.
3. It came out as a whisper in a dark room. I didn't say anything back, i just kissed his neck. I was thinking: my actions would speak louder than words. He said it again but this time with more intensity - cupping my face with both hands, looking at my eyes, so i gave him what he wanted and i said it in a whisper, with a giggle. The only thing that spoke louder than both my words and actions were the voices in my head. "....But you really don't."
4. My dad tagged me along to an event he was sponsoring. I met him just as i was entering the building, we were both checking each other out. He offered to show me the restroom in an old building. I just looked in the mirror and texted my friends "you'll never believe who i'm with right now..". I went out to see him there smiling at me with his hands inside his pockets. I spent the next two years deciphering him and the messy little games we were playing with each other, until i grew tired and just gave up. Sometimes i regret it but most times i don't. I am never looking back.
5. I woke up in the middle of the night with another person in my single bed. "No, i don't want to". He stayed anyways, put his arm around my waist and held my hand until the morning after. I gave him a hug and said goodbye when i was leaving the city "..that's it?" - he asked. I walked away and got in my cab.
6. It was a cold and hazy October night. He grabbed my hand and led me to the crowd. We danced to some folk music and ended up kissing. He went back to his date afterwards.
7. He was wearing a neon green shirt. I've had way too much to drink, I thought, "why the fuck not?" - the morning after, they showed me a picture and asked me "why the fuck did you do that?"
8. It was halloween and my last night ever in town and i was feeling nostalgic for something that has never happened. "come over" "come to my place instead im getting pizza" "not hungry. 1103. come. pleeeeaaaaase." We drove the rest of the crowd away from 1103. He knew exactly which buttons to push and what words to say but he never wanted to hold my hand. I woke up in fetal position at 6am as far away as possible from him on a single bed. I crawled my way back to him as he kissed my forehead and shared the comforter with me. He never said goodbye when i left, he just posted a stupid Facebook status about Halloween being his new favourite holiday. "She's the perfect girl, but it's just not worth the effort" he told my friend on Christmas Eve, the same night he drunkenly told the internet world he misses me. I never understood whatever it is that he wanted from me, the same way i never understood myself in terms of what i genuinely wanted from him either. I don't think it will ever matter. I'm still trying to tell this to myself over and over. It doesn't matter.
9. I was trying to say goodbye but he was trying to say something else. I can still almost taste that kiss in my mouth. I will never look at Gudang Garam cigarettes and the taste the ocean leaves on my lips the same way ever again.
10. It doesn't always have to mean anything.
10.2 Im pretty sure you tried to ask a few questions first. What's your name? Where did you come from? How long are you gonna be here for? But all i wanted to hear was the 4/4 beat telling my body to let go, All I wanted to feel was the mediocre beer running through my veins sending a signal in my brain that i needed your breath on my ears and your hands on my hips. I didn't not care for reasons and logic and rationality - It was not the type of night for the right answers.
11. "I had to leave, I felt lonely when he held me." I had to leave, I felt him trying to disintegrate me with questions, beautiful words, his hands and his emerald eyes. I am complex; 57 different people in one - i refuse to have him put parts of me in boxes with labels to satisfy his curiosity. I am not a machine waiting for an engineer to fix. I am not a deal waiting to be closed. I refuse to be figured out when "this is the last time we're ever going to see each other".
12. It was a warm and sunny Sunday Afternoon, 3 hours away from home. I was craving for the familiarity of a home cooked meal and decided to cross the street and buy "Bicol Express", a dish that my lola makes perfectly. I'm guessing this is a form of lambing for lolo who is from Bicol and a bit estranged from his family. On the walk back home, I contemplated about whether or not the dish will be as good as my lola's and felt a hand cup my left breast swiftly by a man who just walked away. I looked back to see a homeless man with a sack full of garbage and dirt all over his body. I cried all afternoon and never told anyone, i wanted to call my mom and my sister but I care about them too much to add to their worries. It was Mother's Day.
13. "Where are you from?" he said with his muscles almost ripping his extra small Affliction/Ed Hardy inspired shirt. "Philippines", "I've been to Boracay" he whispered as he put his hand on the small of my back and started giving me a slight back rub. This man was shallow, and the music was Yolanda and the drinks were overpriced. I wanted to leave but it felt really nice to be held.
14. I am struggling to write about him as I have a strong feeling that we haven't quite reached full circle. Damn it - we we're cute.
14.1 I am learning that it is okay for things not to reach full circle for it to end and make sense. Sometimes, closure comes in complete silence and the process of filling yourself with more love and making yourself a home for your own soul. You can't make homes out of people who are also trying to figure themselves out, especially ones who take solace in being a nomad. Finding someone who "Gets It" does not guarantee permanence.
15. I walked away and cried because I could feel my loneliness permeate that god damn place. Also, tequila and beer.
16. You said I always left you feeling challenged and unsure. What you never knew was sharing a piece of myself with you - from the heavy to mundane, filthy to chaste, arrogant to needy - constantly felt like having to confront the intricacies of my own demons. You we're not how I imagined love to look like. "You know you can tell me everything, right?". Yes but I don't want to anymore.
12. It was a warm and sunny Sunday Afternoon, 3 hours away from home. I was craving for the familiarity of a home cooked meal and decided to cross the street and buy "Bicol Express", a dish that my lola makes perfectly. I'm guessing this is a form of lambing for lolo who is from Bicol and a bit estranged from his family. On the walk back home, I contemplated about whether or not the dish will be as good as my lola's and felt a hand cup my left breast swiftly by a man who just walked away. I looked back to see a homeless man with a sack full of garbage and dirt all over his body. I cried all afternoon and never told anyone, i wanted to call my mom and my sister but I care about them too much to add to their worries. It was Mother's Day.
13. "Where are you from?" he said with his muscles almost ripping his extra small Affliction/Ed Hardy inspired shirt. "Philippines", "I've been to Boracay" he whispered as he put his hand on the small of my back and started giving me a slight back rub. This man was shallow, and the music was Yolanda and the drinks were overpriced. I wanted to leave but it felt really nice to be held.
14. I am struggling to write about him as I have a strong feeling that we haven't quite reached full circle. Damn it - we we're cute.
14.1 I am learning that it is okay for things not to reach full circle for it to end and make sense. Sometimes, closure comes in complete silence and the process of filling yourself with more love and making yourself a home for your own soul. You can't make homes out of people who are also trying to figure themselves out, especially ones who take solace in being a nomad. Finding someone who "Gets It" does not guarantee permanence.
15. I walked away and cried because I could feel my loneliness permeate that god damn place. Also, tequila and beer.
16. You said I always left you feeling challenged and unsure. What you never knew was sharing a piece of myself with you - from the heavy to mundane, filthy to chaste, arrogant to needy - constantly felt like having to confront the intricacies of my own demons. You we're not how I imagined love to look like. "You know you can tell me everything, right?". Yes but I don't want to anymore.
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